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April Fools Products

Posted on April 01 2017

April Fools!


We at Archie McPhee are known for making joke and prank items, but we've also been know to pull a few fast ones ourselves. Over the years, we have posted some hilarious fake products on April Fools Day. Some were so ridiculous that we were surprised that people fell for them, while others received such overwhelming responses that we decided to go ahead and make them real products, like Squirrel Underpants!

Cap'n Danger Stunt Baby Chute

Cap'n Danger Baby Chute

Everyone's favorite stunt monkey, Cap'n Danger, is proud to introduce his new Cap'n Danger Baby Chute. Just put on the cute little Cap'n Danger onesie, strap the baby into the Cap'n Danger Safety Harness and toss the baby up in the air and he'll gently float back into your waiting arms. A floating baby is a smiling baby. Be extra careful not to twist the lines of the parachute or it will not deploy. Baby go boom! Keep your eyes peeled for Cap'n Danger Baby Cannon and Cap'n Danger Baby Hoop O' Fire.

Beard O' Bees

Beard Of Bees

Tired of boring old facial hair? Take it up to the next level with a Beard of Bees! Years in development, we have finally come up with an economical way to take advantage of all the buzz about bee beards. In each box, you'll get a tube of royal jelly, a grooming wand and a coupon for bees. Just send in the coupon or call with your redemption number and the following morning you'll receive a package of 30,000 bees in our patented UPS approved Swarm Sack™ packaging. After they arrive, apply the royal jelly to your chin, neck and chest, shake the bag vigorously and then release the bees. Use included wand to coax bees into beard shape. Fun for birthdays, retirements or bachelorette parties. Not recommended for indoor use.

Squirting Trick Tombsto

Squirting Trick Tombstone

Why let a little thing like death get in the way of a good practical joke. The Squirting Trick Tombstone looks like every other memorial monument, in fact it will even be engraved to your specifications. However, this is no ordinary grave marker! Each one is outfitted with a self-maintaining, complex micro-valve system that runs off of solar cells located on the top edge. Water is removed from the surrounding earth and stored inside. Then, whenever a mourning relative is detected by the motion sensors, a thin stream of water shoots out of the angel's mouth. That'll wash away the tears!! Mechanism is guaranteed for 100 years of hilarity!

Surprise Dumpster 

Surprise Dumpster

The larger cousin of our popular Surprise Box, the Surprise Dumpster has even more potential for fun. Who knows what's inside? It could be a box of 8-track tapes that no one would buy. It could be broken glass. It could even contain an empty container from the Teriyaki place down the street! The possibilities are only limited by what people throw away in our retail store. Each dumpster is guaranteed to contain at least 48 Parasite Pals Erasers and 4 Fuzz Action Figures. This is the kind of stuff you can't really put a value on, so we're charging only $2,150. Supplies are limited to about one a week. Call for shipping price.

Green Ball

100% Organic Green Toy Ball

Who says you can't respect the environment and have fun at the same time? This 100% Organic Green Toy Ball for kids will help you reduce your carbon footprint and sustainably delight children of all ages. The ball is formed from organic particles and bits of natural stone mixed with dihydrogen monoxide that is then hand manipulated by indigenous peoples into a spherical shape and left to dry in the sun. The packaging is made from recycled fast food bags we've liberated from land fills and the artwork was hand drawn by a vegan graphic designer using all natural inks. While your kids play with the ball it slowly, over a period of about 10 minutes, disintegrates into all-natural, mother earth friendly, free-trade soil. Organic particles may contain some feces, which makes this ideal for the garden. Never has the truth been more convenient!

Levitating Propellor Beanie

Levitating Propeller Beanie

The dream of flight is within your reach and it has never been easier. The Levitating Propeller Beanie can lift up to 150 pounds 6" off the ground! All you have to do is securely fasten the beanie under your chin, strap on the 20 horsepower gasoline engine, then pull the chord to start it up! The propeller blades rotate at about 1200 RPMs which will levitate you into the air as long as you don't tilt your head too much. The full unit weighs over 50 pounds, so it is obviously not suitable for children. All purchasers must sign a waiver and obtain the appropriate licenses for their locale. This ain't your wacky uncle's beanie!

BACON SCENTED BACON PRINT TUXEDO

BACON SCENTED BACON PRINT TUXEDO

  • Meaty Stylish Bacon Print
  • Smells Like Bacon
  • Do not wear to MC a dog show
  • Dry Clean Only

BACON IS THE MOST FORMAL MEAT

There's a theory that everything is better with bacon. We believe that theory with all of our heart. To that end, we are introducing our line of bacon formal wear with the Bacon Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo. You can get married in bacon, get confirmed in bacon or go to the Oscars in bacon! Wait until Joan Rivers gets a whiff of you. Each Tuxedo is tailored from chemically treated latex print fabric. Best of all, it smells just like bacon sizzling in the pan. Dry clean only.

INFLATABLE TOAST MATTRESS

INFLATABLE TOAST MATTRESS

  • 6' x 7'
  • Looks Like Giant Toast
  • Soft Vinyl
  • Pump Not Included

BREAKFAST IN BED? NO, BREAKFAST IS THE BED!

Sleeping on this giant 6' by 7' Inflatable Toast Mattress is likely to make you dream that you are a pad of butter and that you are floating down a river of freshly brewed coffee. In reality, you should not use the Inflatable Toast Mattress as a flotation device nor should you expose it to excessive heat. This piece of toast is made of plastic, not bread, so if you wake up and smell burning toast, you are probably just having a stroke.

DOG TO UNICORN TRANSFORMATION KIT

DOG TO UNICORN TRANSFORMATION KIT

  • 11" Screw-In Unicorn Horn
  • 4 Hoof Attachments
  • Mane and Tail Fur
  • Not a Costume

TURN YOUR DOG INTO A UNICORN!

This is not a costume. This is a kit to completely transform your beloved pug or beagle from a cute canine to the ultimate unicorn. It includes screw-in horn, hoof attachments, medical grade glue, peroxide, mane fur, a tail and a handful of glitter! Just peroxide the color out of your dogs hair and attach the fur and accessories with glue. Once you have the horn in place (Dremel not included) your beloved pooch will be ready to accompany you to fairyland.

Not legal in California, New Mexico and part of Maine.

Hot Dog Hideaway

HOT DOG HIDEAWAY

  • Over 10 lbs. of meat
  • Tastes better than gingerbread
  • Fun for the whole family
  • Kosher

IMAGINE A HOUSE MADE OF MEAT FOR THE HOLIDAYS!

Our bestselling Hot Dog Hideaway kit comes with enough cured deli slices and kosher dogs (Over 10 pounds!) to make a veritable McMansion of meat! Just follow the included blueprints and use the pate spackle to join it together and smooth over the rough edges. Not only will you get the complete Hot Dog Hideaway, but also a set of meat landscaping materials to make pimento loaf trees and meatball bushes.

Note: This kit will only remain edible for three weeks without refrigeration.

Gravy Bath Salts

Gravy Bath Salts

There are lots of bath products that smell like flowers and sweets, but what about the people that prefer savory? These Gravy Bath Salts not only smell like a delicious turkey gravy, they also turn your bath water an appealing, rich brown color. All you need to do is fill your bath with steaming hot water, tear open the envelope, pour in the salts and stir. If the water is not your desired thickness just add some flour or cornstarch until you're sure it's thick enough to get every nook and cranny clean.

Social Networking Explanation Service

Social Networking Explanation Service

Have you given up trying to get your parents to understand your blog, let alone Twitter and Facebook? We're here to help. Hire us, and we'll have a patient ten year old call your parents and explain the intricacies of social networking and micro-blogging to them. Our 10 year olds are selected not only for their knowledge and expertise, but also for their ability to present the information like the kind of polite young ladies and gentlemen that appeal to parents. Plus, they call home every once in a while, which is more than we can say for you. For an extra $100 we can have our operators convince your parents that they shouldn't use any of these services or their identity will be stolen by a cyber-stalker just like they showed on that one 60 Minutes episode. We highly recommend you pay the extra fee. No one wants their parents on Facebook. No one.

Shoe-merang

Shoe-merang

Throwing shoes as a protest is all the rage these days, but who wants to lose a loafer in these tough economic times? Don't despair, we're here to help. Introducing the Shoe-merang — a stylish classic brown oxford that returns to you when you throw it! Developed by an Austrailian cobbler, you just tuck the wooden extension on the back of the shoe neatly up your pant leg. Then, when someone says something you disagree with in a public place, you simply remove your shoe and throw. It's much simpler than communicating a rational response in a constructive way and a whole lot faster. Also, this shoe has no metal parts, so it will easily pass through security. Perfect for PTA meetings, courtrooms and the TED conference.

Cat Floss

 

CAT FLOSS

  • 2-1/2" tall, plastic dispenser
  • 27.3 yards of waxed floss
  • Fishy tuna flavor
  • Cats love it!

CRAZY CAT LADY APPROVED!

When somebody says you have cat breath, we all know what they mean. That decaying seafood smell is the result of the appalling level of cat dental hygiene in the world today. We at Archie McPhee are finally going to do something about it. This cat food scented dental floss will assist you in making sure that your Siamese stays sweet and your Ginger avoids gingivitis. Kitty cavities will be a thing of the past as soon as you start flossing your feline.

Warning: We are in no way responsible for injuries to you or your cat while flossing occurs. Wearing protective gear is recommended until your cat gets acclimated to the flossing process. Most cats never get acclimated to the flossing process. Not recommended by vets.

 Awkward Conversation Toast Stamper

Awkward Conversation Toast Stamper

Why depend on a therapist or mediator to help you have difficult conversations when you can have toast do it for you. These four toast stampers will help you to communicate some of life's most awkward moments in a fun, buttery way. Just press the plastic stamper into the bread, set the toaster to its darkest setting and let warm bread say what you can't! Bosses can fire people, marriages ended, closets left and biological connections challenged. Nothing makes being fired go down easier than a dollop of grape jelly (not included). Half the difficult conversations you'll have in your life can be made easier through the magic of toast! The next time someone offers to make you breakfast in bed, maybe they just have something to tell you...

Includes:

  • We Need To Talk...
  • I want a Divorce
  • You're Fired
  • I'm Gay
Geek Spork

Ultimate Geek Spork

  • Blue Tooth
  • 8 GB
  • Phone
  • Laser Pointer
  • Stylus
  • USB
  • Wireless

The spork is already a multi-function tool, so obviously the more functions you can add to it, the better it will be. This Ultimate Geek Spork will not only stab tater tots and carry soup to your mouth, it's also Bluetooth (TM) enabled, USB compatible, wireless, a laser stylus, a compass, a blacklight flashlight, an emergency beacon, a label maker, a pepper sprayer, a thermometer, a GPS positioning unit, Twitters what you're eating, a makeup mirror, a glass cutter, a calorie tracker and a pedometer. Sounds an emergency clarion when food you are about to eat is at an uncomfortably warm temperature or is just plain over-spiced. If James Bond was a total nerd and had a spork, this would be it!

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