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The story of the Zombie Jesus is hotly debated by our customers. They accuse us of cleverly importing a Zombie Jesus and trying to market it as a production mistake. Even when we tell customers the truth, they tend not to believe us. So, I'm here to set the record straight.
It was a mistake. As the description said, the Jesus Action Figure was one of our best selling products and we wanted to duplicate the success with a Deluxe Edition. The sample we got was great, the actual product when it arrived was not OK. I wasn't the one that came up with the idea of calling it Zombie Jesus, but I was the one who thought some of our customers might want one. We set aside a few hundred of them to sell, the rest had to be fixed. (It wasn't the first production mistake we sold - the He/She Doll was our favorite.)
I got to go down to LA to appear on Attack of the Show! a couple of days after they arrived (August of 2005). So, I decided that in addition to the folks on our Cult Email list, I'd open it up to the geeks of the world. After my television appearance I learned two things. One, I needed a haircut really badly. Two, Attack of the Show! viewers loved Zombie Jesus. I had to grab more of them to sell.
Here are the original description and announcement of the Zombie Jesus in our Cult Email.
Production Error Jesus!
Here it is, our super secret stash of rare, Factory Mistake Jesus Action Figures. Let us take a moment to explain. We are doing a Deluxe edition of our Jesus Action Figure in a special "Miracle Edition." We made a new mold of the figure and asked the factory to make the palms of his hands glow-in-the-dark. Imagine our surprise when the figures showed up with evil red eyes and translucent glow-in-the-dark hands. Somebody (Satan? Beelzebub? Gary Busey?) really made a mess of things. Jesus looks like a zombie or a Sith Lord instead of a healer, teacher or Messiah. Obviously, we couldn't release a savior with the steely, ferocious glare of a damaged Terminator robot to the general public. That's where you come in! Before we send them back to be melted down, we thought we would give you, our best customers, a chance to buy one for your very own. These will only be sold until August 30th! We make no claims that this incredibly collectible piece will increase in value, but remember the Rocket Firing Boba Fett! Cha-ching!
FACTORY MISTAKE ZOMBIE JESUS - CULT ONLY OFFER
In addition to the librarian, we're also making a Deluxe Jesus Action Figure, but when we got our first shipment from the factory, they made a horrible mistake! Instead of the subtle glowing, healing hands we had asked for, the factory gave Jesus hands of shocking, bright green. And instead of the calm thoughtful eyes of a messiah, they gave him the red, evil eyes of a Sith Lord. Put the parts together and you have Zombie Jesus! This horrible and unfortunate mistake is being made available only for a limited time and only through this link! If you have a friend who might be interested, please pass the link along. There is no link to this page anywhere on our site! Web only! Cult only!
PS: If we did do it on purpose, it would have been a lot better. Just imagine the package!
As a company, we feel a certain responsibility to cheer people up during difficult times. The current economic downturn, bad weather and the confusing, lackluster third season of Heroes have all contributed to our decision to release a free, web-based version of one of our most popular products, the Emergency Yodel Button. This is cloudware of the highest order, fully integrated with your actual Yodel Button. It has a brand new feature, multi-yodel generation capacity. This new feature allows the yodel button to yodel with itself when the button is pressed multiple times.
So, the next time you find yourself depressed, grumpy or constipated and you have web access, just go here and press the button to make everything all better.
This is one of those products that we love that doesn't sell at all. The food on these placemats is so incredibly creepy it makes us happy to know they exist. One thought we had about why they aren't selling is that perhaps we didn't do a good job of showing exactly how weird and off-putting these actually are. So, we took some pictures that reveal every disturbing detail.
Take a look at those hot dogs and the hamburgers with bear picks sticking out the top. If that's not strange enough, what about those pancakes floating in white space? They aren't even on a plate. Why is everything so shiny? Is there something oddly suggestive about the food? Why is the wine glass shown from the side while the other food is shot from the top?
There are only a few sets of these left and surely your dining room isn't complete without them. Remember, someone thought the food on this placemat looked appetizing enough to feature it on a product. Click on the pictures below for large size views.